lack of following may lead to dire consequences. (who am i kidding? i have no power.)

i work in a little cubicle (okay, that's a lie...it's actually pretty spacious) in an office job. honestly, i don't know what else i'd be doing so i'm so not complaining about work or the office. but i do have to say that through the years i've learned a thing or two about office etiquette.

1. if you walk past someone (even if you don't know their name), smile. it will NOT kill you. it is even worse to not smile if you see this person on a semi-regular basis. chances are, they know you more than you know them. (blue scratched car with a BYU sticker on the back whose name i will omit: you sent some mail to CO a while back. or at least you meant to until you left the stamped envelope on the table in the bathroom and i was nice enough to take it downstairs to the mailbox since it was friday and you probably wanted it sent. bt dub - you have terrible handwriting.)

2. if, in daily pleasantries, someone asks you how you are and you are NOT their friend or really even their acquaintance, it's not okay to spend ten minutes talking to them about your crappy day and the swine flu. particularly when your hair is that unkempt and it's pulled back by a headband that does nothing but show off your desperate need to get your roots did.

3. if you have an office that has a door, close it if you're using speakerphone. particularly if you're a loud talker. even moreso if you are talking to someone else in the office who everyone can clearly hear both on your speakerphone and at their respective desk.

4. speaking of phones, pick your ringtone carefully. and if you are around other people (like, say, a cubicle environment) turn it down. better yet, put it on vibrate. you can hear it in your pocket. you can put it on your desk and let it annoy people when it vibrates while you're away from your desk. it is not, however, acceptable to make the rest of the office listen to your ringtone that reminds them of nothing more than a porn video.

5. if you give someone a time frame in which something will occur or need to be done, it is rude to start it three hours earlier and not give the person any heads up. girls gotta leave for lunch to buy purses sometimes.

6. standing behind someone's chair and waiting for them to turn around is just CREEPY. let me go ahead and admit, i listen to my ipod at my desk and mouth the words along. and sometimes i dance. so if you do not announce your presence, you are getting a show i didn't give you access to. and if you're tall enough to stare over my tall cubicle wall, please announce yourself there too. possibly more because you can see my face where i am probably looking stupid.

7. if you are at my desk and have what you have deemed an emergency (your idea and mine are probably not the same, but whatevs), do not take it upon yourself to sit on my desk. i have an extra chair at my desk for a reason. it's for company. you are a pest, but still company. sit in the chair. or stand somewhere. but don't plop your skeezy self on my desk, rubbing near my printer.

8. if, while investigating said emergency, you feel the need to stand and wait for me to look up the answer, don't glare at my computer watching me do everything. i have a bit of performance anxiety. i can type quickly and move around my computer deftly, but don't watch me. just look at my pictures or pretend something else exciting is around (i know there is not) so you're not just standing over me. [note to self: get a sofabook to put on said desk.]

9. even for a smallish office, it is not nice to yell someone's name until they come to your desk. if you are in my vicinity (or on my team), that is one thing. but being five offices away and just screaming someone's name is just rude. apparently in a world of technology (between email, phones and IM) it is impossible to use anything except your annoying voice to beckon a coworker. or your boss.

10. if you have to poop, go to the first floor. the bathroom there is practically empty all the time.

anyone else have office etiquette to share?

epic fail.

it is very seldom that i will actually admit that there are things i can not do. but alas, there are a few things.

1. eating all my fruits and veggies. i've grown by leaps and bounds, but unless french fries are considered a veggie, i don't think i'm meeting my daily quotient.

2. i have tried to play five different instruments. and have NOT been able to stick with any of them. i just can't do it. it's not that i can't keep beat. i can play the djembe when i'm drunk. but that's about all i've got.

3. saving money. i have very little to show for all the money i've made in the past ten years. but i'm thinking if you open my closet, you will probably see a big chunk of it.

4. resisting my mom's homemade brownies. damn paula dean had to introduce the world to brownies made with symphony bars in the middle. so they're all gooey in the middle with perfect bits of almond and toffee. i could make myself insanely sick with the amount of those brownies i could eat.

5. stick with things. i try. seriously, i do. i usually blame it on being a gemini. we're a bit flighty. i end up just falling for something and get into it for about a week and then drop it. like knitting. scrapbooking. being a vet. doing gymnastics. well, this list could go on foreverrrrr.

6. making myself throw up. i know that's something people don't say "man, i wish i could make myself vomit!" but seriously. when it comes down to it, i just can't do it. and in the days when i drank a lot, it would have come in quite handy.

7. picking guys. apparently this one will have to have it's own post devoted to it because it's THAT bad. i either pick ones that don't like me back, that are nuts, that are unavailable. OR (the best!) that they are all of the above because they are gay. and trust me, there have been quite a few of those.

8. science. earlier i was trying to figure out if i am worse at science or math. i deduced that it's totally science. mainly because someone once complimented on my ability to do long division. but no one has ever commented on my mad science skills.

9. biting my tongue. i try (i PROMISE i do!) but sometimes it's just not possible. sometimes things slip out that should never have been put out into the universe. but there you have it. it's been said and i can't shove it back in. and most of the time, i'm actually glad i didn't.

well i'm going to stop there before i make myself feel worse about my shortcomings. hopefully next time will be a bit more uplifting and all that.